


You've Got This

by satiredichotomy



Series: You Live, You Learn [3]
Category: Star Trek: Discovery
Genre: Episode: s01e07 Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad, M/M, all those loops we didn't see, space boos
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-08 12:24:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,973
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12864477
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/satiredichotomy/pseuds/satiredichotomy
Summary: Loops let the truth come out.





	You've Got This

**Author's Note:**

> Spoilers for Magic to Make the Sanest Man Go Mad. More detail at the end of the story.

_Hour 16.5_  

“I can’t stop thinking about fucking you,” Stamets whispers in the Doctor's ear.   He knows that Hugh will whisper something filthy back, and then send him to his quarters on his own so he can see his shift out, like the upright Starfleet officer he is.

Paul really doesn’t want that to happen this time. He feels so far away from Hugh right now, with time resetting itself every half hour, and he isn’t giving up until he gets what he wants. He loves this man, he can't believe the unbelievable trust and humility of this man, and even if Hugh doesn't remember a second of it, Paul will, so he's going to do this, damn it.

He ups the ante. He presses a finger to Hugh’s lips, shushing him before he even begins, and continues. “I’ve been thinking about that latest fantasy of yours all morning, and I think now is the time.”

Hugh does a double take at that, and finally a hint of conflict appears on his face.

“No one will even notice you’re gone. Just hold my hand,” Paul says. He moves fast, ordering a site-to-site transport from the computer, and he starts removing his clothes before they’ve fully dematerialised.

+++

_Hour 24_

He feels exhausted. He doesn’t know how long it’s been.  He tried tracking it but gave up long ago. Whatever adrenaline he had, it’s long since fled as his body slowly gets wearier and wearier. It’s all predictable now. He knows the outcomes of all of his actions, and what’s more Mudd knows there’s something up with him, so he’s keeping a low profile.

Paul Stamets doesn’t know how much more he can take. For the first time, he makes his way to an airlock that he’d never given the time of day to before, and sits in front of it. He thinks about opening it. He has the override codes.

The clock ticks on, until it doesn’t.

+++

_Hour 3.5_

His heart sinks. “Not again,” he says, agitated.

Hugh cocks his head. “What?” he asks.

“We’ve done this before!” Paul shouts, before taking off down the corridor. “Dump the stuff and follow me, we need to get to Burnham.”

“Paul, calm down,” Hugh says. It’s exactly what he said half an hour, and Paul can’t help but snap. “Stop staying that!”

“I only said it once,” Hugh protests.

“You don’t understand,” Paul replies over his shoulder. “Tyler! Burnham! We need to talk.”

He shouts after them, just as he has in loops before, but just as before, Hugh catches up and treats him like a crazy person. He manages to tell them about the Gormangander, but it’s not enough, he can tell.

“Fucking hell, Hugh,” he shouts. Hugh takes a step backwards and puts his hands up, obviously placating him. It infuriates him more. “Don’t treat me like your patient!”

“Okay, okay,” Hugh replies soothingly, clearly ignoring him.

Paul shakes his head. “Don’t _okay, okay_ me,” he shoots back. “This is serious. Time is repeating itself. We have to do something!”

He turns around and runs down the corridor in the opposite direction. He can hear Hugh shout after him, but he knows how it’ll go. He needs to do something different, or he’ll spend this loop in sickbay too.

He was originally planning to leave Hugh behind, but that seems futile now. Hugh’s clever, the cleverest man he knows (aside from himself), so he needs them to work together, like the good team they are.

Paul stops abruptly and lets Hugh catch up. “I’m sorry, I should have stopped for you,” he apologises.

Hugh still has his doctor face on. “Why don’t we go to sickbay and just check everything’s ok?” he gently suggests.

That’s not good. Paul needs to appeal to his boyfriend, not his medic. “I’m fine,” he replies quickly. “But I really need to talk to you. Can we sit down for a second?”

“Sure,” Hugh replies easily. “Sickbay’s not far, and we can talk while I run a couple scans.”

“For fuck’s sake, I don’t want to go to sickbay,” Paul explodes. He’d been trying to keep his emotions in check, but since time went berserk, he’s found it much harder to do. He takes a deep breath and tries again. “Can we go somewhere that isn’t sickbay?”

Hugh looks at him. He still has that expression on. The one that think that Paul is crazy. Paul loves his boyfriend, but right now, this attitude is making him want to shake Hugh.   “I’ll go to sickbay after we talk,” Paul concedes. He knows how stubborn Hugh is. He wasn’t going to budge.

“Okay,” Hugh nods. “Our quarters?”

“No time,” Paul replies. “The mess hall’s around the corner.”

They sit down and Paul tries his best to summarise the situation, while keeping his voice as sane as he can manage. He knows that Hugh has been having a tough time dealing with the ‘new’ Paul. He hears it in his voice, the way he says _my partner has been_ different _lately_. He hasn’t wanted to think about it, or think about what it meant, but he’s not certain that Hugh is on his side anymore.

Sure enough, Hugh stays silent after Paul’s spiel ends. 

“Say something,” Paul urges.

Hugh shrugs. “It all sounds a bit far-fetched,” he says apologetically. “Are you sure you didn’t just have a bad dream?”

How insulting. “A dream?!” Paul splutters. “No, it’s not a fucking dream,” he replies. “I’m trying to tell you something important, Hugh. Please can you just trust me?”

It seems he can’t. Paul feels a weight land on his shoulders, as he realises that his relationship may be in a more precarious position than he realised.

They spend what’s left of the time loop in sickbay.

+++

_Hour 12.5_

When Burnham came on board, he was distrustful and dismissive. Now, he would readily admit that he loves her. Maybe love is an overstatement, but he’s spent so many loops coaching her, talking to her about life and love and the universe, and he think she’s just a lovely person.

Naïve, to be sure, but she’s good hearted and well intentioned. He convinces her to dance with him again, even though there’s no real need anymore. Paul can admit to himself that he enjoys the physical contact as much as the conversation. Hours of not getting to be close to Hugh seem to be getting to him.  It may be the spores in his system talking, but he can feel his body gain balance as he holds her and tells her the same story about how he first met Hugh.

He would never have guessed that the only person on the ship that he could trust to listen to him would be the not-Vulcan mutineer, but you live and learn.

Yes, he does love her, just a bit.

+++

_Hour 9_

Paul has tried convincing Hugh and First Officer Saru, and he has gotten nowhere. He doesn’t even bother trying to approach Lorca. The man doesn’t have the time of day for him, and besides, Mudd is watching him too closely. Paul needs to keep a low profile while he tries to figure out how to fix things.

He’s tried to talk to Tyler a few times, but while the man seems affable, he’s also Chief of Security for a reason. He gets suspicious and angry, despite Stamets pointing out that there’s no need to be. Tyler is the key to solving this problem, he just knows it.

But like Hugh, Tyler isn’t willing to change his opinion thanks to a five minute conversation.

Time for a new approach.

He knows that Burnham starts her loops at the party, and he works to get to her before Tilly or Tyler reach her. Paul’s prepared what he’s going to say, but he still expects rejection.

But it’s Burnham. Of course she surprises him.

She listens. She uses her Vulcan logic, and sees the sense he’s talking.

Paul can’t help but cut himself off and stop to hug her.

Now that’s déjà vu; he recalls hugging her during the very first time loop. How times have changed. He estimates that hours have passed by since that first accidental collision, which has never been repeated now that he knows it will happen. But part of him is so damned grateful that someone is finally taking him seriously. 

It still hurts that Hugh isn’t that person, but he can’t let himself dwell on that now. He’ll sort things with Hugh later. Now isn’t the time. It’s time to get Burnham ready to help him, to work with him to wear down Tyler, to get to Mudd.

+++

_Hour 15_

It begins again. He appears next to Hugh, his beloved Hugh, who he trusts with his life. He’d follow the man out an airlock, if he asked. Paul’s been trying to ignore the fact that it’s obviously not a mutual feeling, but the words tumble out, unbidden.

“Why don’t you trust me?” Paul asks sadly.

Hugh comes to a halt. “Excuse me?” he asks, incredulously.

“You don’t trust me, do you? If I told you that the ship was in danger right now, you would take me to sickbay, not to the bridge,” Paul says quietly.

Hugh’s brow furrows. “Are you saying there’s a problem with the ship?”

Paul takes a second to make his decision. He’s letting Mudd have this loop. He needs to know what’s gone wrong with Hugh. “No, of course not. I’m just saying that you wouldn’t believe me if I said that.”

“Well, that’s not fair,” Hugh protests. “Of course I would believe you.”

Paul nods. “Okay, then. The ship’s in danger. I am saying it.”

“No, you’re not,” Hugh says, shaking his head. “You’re making a point. This conversation is ridiculous. Can we just finish moving this stuff and talk this evening?”

“It’s not ridiculous. You haven’t been the same since I injected myself with the Tardigrade DNA,” Paul trails off.

Hugh actually looks gobsmacked. “ _I_ haven’t been the same?!” he exclaims.

Paul waves his hand. “Yes, yes, I know. I haven’t been the same either. But you act like it’s all me. It’s not. You treat me differently. It doesn’t seem like you even like me sometimes, or maybe you’re just embarrassed by the emotional mess that I am.” He doesn’t know if he went too far, but he's said nothing but the truth. “And no, we can’t talk this evening. Something always comes up. We need to talk right now. So please, can we go to our quarters?”

Hugh looks taken aback Paul's harsh words.  He agrees to relocate with an imperceptible nod.   The second the door shuts, he breaks his silence. “I can’t believe you think I don’t _like_ you anymore,” he says, clearly upset.

“I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have said that. I didn’t mean it, not really,” Paul says apologetically. “But you do act differently now. Always stepping in to explain my behaviour or justify my actions. You can never let my words stand for themselves. Why do my actions carry so little weight with you now?”

Hugh sighs. “Okay, wow. You’ve got to give me a second here. You’ve completely blindsided me.” He sighs again and sits down on the sofa. He steeples his fingers and clearly chooses his words carefully.

“I’m sorry that it seemed like I was embarrassed at times. Believe it or not, that's because sometimes your behaviour was embarrassing.  I do love you as you are, but come on, you've got to give me some time to adjust.  You're not the same guy I spent the last decade with.  It doesn't mean that I don't still love you, but I need some time."  Hugh sighs again.  "But, I am willing to admit that I may have gotten into the habit of expecting embarrassment and pushing you down at times.  I'm really sorry for that."

Paul stares at his partner, swallowing deeply.  "It means a lot to hear you acknowledge that.  Thank you.  I am still the same guy, you know.  The Tardigrade didn't change my personality, it just brought different things to the surface - but they were always a part of me.  And I think you know that."

Hughs nods in agreement.  "I do.  I am able to see that, at times.  It's just a lot to take in, overnight.  The other thing is, Paul, we’re serving officers on a Starfleet spaceship. I know that you’ve always been able to tweak the rules a bit because you’re a scientist, but that’s not my experience. There is protocol, hierarchy, _rules_ in my world. And you break most of them with every word you say. It's not just a matter of being embarrassed,” he explains. “I’m trying to protect you too. I don’t want you to jeopardise everything you've worked on because you weren’t able to control yourself.” 

Paul nods. “I get that, I do. But did you ever think that maybe I _could_ control myself? I mean, sure, I’m more emotionally volatile, but I can still control it. I choose not to.” He pauses for a second, unsure whether to continue, but this is a time loop, after all. He’s going to take advantage of it.

“There are side effects to the jumps. I’m getting migraines, losing my sense of self. I don’t know what’s happening from one moment to the next in the aftermath of a jump. I haven’t told you because I don’t want you to report me to Starfleet medical, or to be complicit in my lies.  I’ve been able to hide that from you after every single jump so far. I can control a lot. I’m an adult, Hugh, and I need you to treat me like one. I need you to treat me like the Starfleet officer that you’re trying to protect.”

Hugh’s eyes didn’t move away from Paul while he was speaking, taking it all in.  He shakes his head in disbelief.  “I seriously thought this conversation had enough going on before that.  You don't have any more bombshells, do you?" he jokes.  "I don’t know what to say.  I can't believe you've been lying to me.  And I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to treat you like that. I had no idea that you were so in control of what was happening. You never indicated that it was a choice.” 

“That’s fair,” Paul agrees.  "And I'm sorry that I've been hiding this from you."

Hugh nods. “It's not good that you're lying to me like this, Paul.  We obviously need to talk about that some more.  But first, I can't believe what I'm hearing about the side effects of the spore drive.  This is your life that's at risk.  We have to go to sickbay right now, and figure out what's happening."

Paul hesitates.  "Okay," he agrees, figuring it was the simplest response.  "I am sorry that I didn't tell you sooner.  It won't happen again.  So before we go to sickbay, I want us to agree that we're going to start fresh.  From now on, I'll tell you the truth, and you'll trust that I know what I'm doing."

"I agree," Hugh says without hesitation.

“Great. So can I try out the new ‘us’ now?” Paul asks.

Hugh looks wary.  “Um, okay?”

“We’re having this conversation because _Discovery_ is stuck in a time loop. Some con artist called Mudd is trying to take over the ship. I have lived through the past half hour more times than I can keep track of. _Every single time_ , you don’t believe me. You know, I didn’t even realise that anything was wrong with us. Not until this started. I had to give up on you. Instead, I found a way to get Burnham to believe me and get moving on things with every time loop, but not you. That hurt,” Paul says matter-of-factly. “So the question now is, how do we have this conversation in five minutes, so I can bring you in on what’s going on? Because each loop is only half an hour and I can’t keep on having this conversation over and over again,” he continues.

Hugh’s face has fallen. “Fuck, you’re serious, aren’t you?”

“Yes,” Paul replies.

“I can't believe this," Hugh mutters, then quickly makes eye contact.  "I mean, I believe you.  I do believe you," he repeats, as if Paul didn't hear him the first time.  "This is all just a lot to take in.  I don’t know that there is a way around this one, Paul. You can’t have a conversation like this in five minutes.  It's too much to take in.  I'm incredibly overwhelmed and we've taken our time to get here,” Hugh says. “How do you get Burnham on side so quickly?”

“I told her to tell me a secret, something no one else knows so I could prove that we’d had an earlier conversation,” Paul explains. “The problem is Hugh, I know all your secrets, and it wouldn’t prove anything to you.”

Hugh looks like he wants to argue, but he’s also a sterling professional whose job is often to prioritise. “How much time do we have left now?” he asks.

Paul shrugs. “It's a half hour loop...so time's up any second now.”

Hugh’s eyes widen.  His job also involves making difficult decisions quickly. “So maybe I’m sitting this one out, then. You do what you need to do with Burnham and just leave me out of it. And then we are having this conversation one more time, once the whole thing is over.”

“If it’s ever over,” Paul replies.

“You’ll do it. I know you. I trust you and I believe in you. You’ve got this,” Hugh says confidently, and as they kiss, time resets itself yet again.

**Author's Note:**

> If you've seen the episode, you'll understand why there's major character death in this fic, and why that's not a problem. There is also a small reference to suicidal ideation.


End file.
